How to Annoy Your Colleague
by she-wolf vixen
Summary: Ed and Roy started with bothering one another on the elevator. Now, it's a full-fledged war of pranks on their colleagues. A comedy drabble series. Some Parental RoyEd! XD
1. Pens

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_Every morning, Ed rides up the elevator to get his assignments and military stuff from Central Headquarters. Every morning, without fail, Roy Mustang always shows up at the same time Ed does. Every morning, Ed is forced to ride for a whole minute with the Colonel up to Central's main lobby. _

_and_

_every morning, the two must find some way to irritate the heck out of each other._

Presenting:

How to Annoy Your Colleague

-From Evee/She-wolf vixen-

Chapter One: Pens

* * *

Edward jabbed the elevator's up button repeatedly muttering to it, "Hurry up, damn you, hurry up!"

Ed glanced behind him to see the Colonel striding easily towards him, smiling that stupid know-it-all smile. Ed turned back to the elevator and began poking it even faster. "No, no, come oooon!!"

"Pressing it like that won't make the wait any _shorter..._" Roy smirked as he walked right up to the boy, emphasizing the 'short' bit.

Ed gritted his teeth. Cool it. Cool it Edward Elric. He's trying to make you mad, don't let him get to you...

_Ding_

The elevator doors slid open and Ed rushed into the small room, treating the 12th floor button as he had the up button, hoping the doors would close and leave the Colonel behind. However, Roy merely slid in behind him and stood waiting patiently.

"How thoughtful of you to push the button for me, FullMetal..." Roy chuckled.

A vein popped in Ed's forehead and he stood facing the button panel as the doors converged and locked the two men together. One irritated boy, and one pompous oaf. Ed glanced at the Colonel who was watching the floor counter. The numbers went up slowly...

1...

'ding'

2...

'ding'

3

It was almost unbearable...before Ed had an idea...

The blonde slowly pulled out a pen and watched Roy out of the corner of his eye. When the older man looked away for a second, Ed dropped the pen casually on the floor and quickly looked away, staring at the button panel as if he hadn't noticed. Ed saw Roy glance at the pen, and then at him. The Colonel bent down to pick up the pen...and now!

"HEY!! THAT'S MINE!!" Ed screamed at the top of his lungs.

Roy stumbled back, looking shocked.

"DON'T YOU TAKE MY PEN! THAT'S MINE!!" YOU STOLE IT DIDN'T YOU!? YEAH! I KNEW IT, YOU DECEIVING BASTARD!!" Ed struggled to keep his face livid, to keep himself from laughing out loud at the look on Roy's face. "DON'T YOU DAAARE TOUCH IT!! NOW BACK AWAY FROM THE PEN! BACK _AWAY _FROM THE PEN!!"

Roy was staring at him with a half-scared half-confused face.

Ed laughed insanely. "I'VE RECOVERED THE PEN AL, I WILL BRING JUSTICE TO THE WOOOORLD!!" Ed uttered another evil laugh.

"FullMetal, have you gone insane?!" Roy's eyes were huge, his pupils dilated.

"THE PEN! THE PEN! THE SACRED PEN! ALL IS GOOD, THE WORLD WILL BE WHOLE AGAIN! WITH THIS PEN, I WILL BRING DOWN JUSTICE WITH A MIGHTY FIST AND STRIKE DOWN THE TOXIC SUBSTANCE DISGUISED AS WHAT IS CALLED MILK!! ALL WHO ATTEMPTS TO STEAL THE PEN WILL BE PUNISHED, AHAHAHA!"

Ed pointed the pen like a gun towards Roy and grinned maniacally.

"E-Edward?" Roy whispered, extremely concerned.

"FACE THE WRATH OF THE PEN O EVIL ONE-"

'ding'

The elevator doors slid open and Colonel Mustang hurried out and headed straight for the nearest phone. However, as soon as he picked it up, he heard laughing.

Ed stumbled out of the elevator laughing hysterically. "HAHA! You should have seen your face Mustang, haha, I got yooou!"

Roy had frozen at this before stalking off to his office, leaving Ed to roll around in his giggles.

After today, Roy vowed, elevator rides will never be the same...

* * *

**Liked it? Hated it?**

**In any case, stick around for the next installment where Roy gets his revenge.**

****

How to Annoy Your Colleague;

**Number One:**

****

Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream,  
"That's mine!" and go into a maniacal rant.

* * *


	2. SnuggleBear

**

* * *

**

Revenge is sweet. Oh too sweet for Roy Mustang...

How to Annoy You Colleague

-Evee-

Chapter Two: SnuggleBear

* * *

Roy had been anticipating today. Just yesterday, FullMetal had made a complete fool out of him but he was ready today, with revenge in his right hand.

The Colonel had woken up _early_ for this and checked his watch. FullMetal should be here any moment. Roy smirked to himself. So simple but so effective, he was sure this would work. The Colonel snickered quietly to himself as he imagined the scene. Sure, he would have to come close to the boy first, but it would be worth it!

"Morning, bastard."

Ed greeted the Colonel in his own typical way, clearly annoyed that they were riding the elevator again today. By the look on Ed's face, Roy could tell he had forgotten about the pen stunt he had pulled and had no inkling whatsoever that the smirking Colonel beside him was ready to spring with his revenge.

Ed entered the elevator with a scowl, quickly followed by Roy. As soon as the doors closed, Roy leaned near to Ed and whispered quietly in his ear.

"Group hug..."

Ed's eyes widened immediately and in panic, turned and bumped his nose on the elevator room's wall. Roy smirked. He knew how the boy hated his personal bubble being popped by anyone other than Al, and especially him.

"G-get away from me!" Ed backed away from him and searched the elevator in vain for an escape route.

Roy grinned and advanced slowly on the trapped boy. "No getting away from me, Ed."

With this, Roy lunged forward and gave Ed the biggest hug of his life.

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ed let out a huge scream. "GET OF OF MEEEEEEEEEE!"

Roy cuddled the boy, laughing. "HAHAHA, You're so precious, FullMetal."

"WAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! STOP IIIIIIIIT!" Ed struggled, thrashing around in Roy's arms.

Being the small size he was, Ed suddenly found himself being picked up. Roy pinned the boy's legs with his own and held his hands apart as he continued to cuddle the small teen.

"MUSTAAAAAAANG! YOU BASTARD! LET ME GOOOO!"

'ding'

The elevator doors slipped open with a whoosh leaving Riza Hawkeye, Havoc, and Fuery to stare at the scene in the elevator.

* * *

**XD Short, sweet, and Roy did get his revenge though what will he do now that his reputation with Ed is ruined?**

**Next chapter: Team Ed and Roy annoy their other co-workers...in an elevator as always.**


	3. Farm Produce

* * *

How to Annoy Your Colleague

-Evee-

Chapter Three: Farm Produce

"Shut it. They're coming our way!" Ed hissed at the Colonel.

Roy glared daggers at the boy. "How can I while wearing this ridiculous outfit?!" Ed had nothing to say in defense because it was true. After a round of jan-ken-pon (rock paper scissors), it was decided that the great Roy Mustang would end up wearing the gigantic sheep costume that had been transmuted the night before by the Elric brothers.

"Are you even paying attention?!" Ed finally came up with.

Roy raised an eyebrow. "Are you?" The Colonel jabbed his pointer finger in the direction of the window and Ed's head nearly went off his spine as he turned quickly and cast his eyes to the sidewalk right outside. "That's your cue, FullMetal." Roy warned as three of his co-workers headed down the sidwalk together. Ed grinned and ran toward the elevator, ignoring the stares of the Central lobby secretary. Farm-produce Roy headed off to his office, smirking in delight. Who knew Ed could come up with such an ingenious plan? As Ed headed down the elevator, he checked his pocket for the radio that Mustang had lent him this morning. Ed watched his reflection in the metal doors until they spilt apart revealing the entrance to Central. As he stepped out, he turned around to face the elevator again as if he had just arrived and was waiting patiently for the car to come down. It wasn't long before Riza, Havoc, and Fuery arrived shortly after and stepped up to wait beside Ed. Ed was greeted thrice.

"Good Morning Edward."

"Hi Ed!"

"HEY! MORNING! EDDY! HERE TO SEE THE COLONEL?!"

A vein popped out in Ed's forehead at Havoc's remark but he remembered to keep his cool. He turned to Havoc gritting his teeth. "As. If." Riza shot his an disapproving look but Ed looked away, pretending he hadn't noticed. When the elevator car came back down again, all four soldiers stepped into the machine and began their ride up. Immediately, Ed pulled out the radio, switched it on under curious looks from his company, and turned up the volume as loud as he could before turning to the channel Roy had instructed him to.

"WHOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ed yelled, raising a fist as heavy rock music blasted throughout the elevator. Fuery, taken aback fell onto his bottom and even Riza looked shocked. The elevator was a cramped room and Ed, enjoying the looks on his friends faces, began to dance wildly, making sure he crashed and banged into everyone there.

"YEAAAAAAAHHH!! MOVE IT!" Ed continued to make a racket as the elevator continued to rise and before he knew it, he was up and jumping, singing as well as he could, which wasn't very well, along to the music. Havoc covered his ears and stared at the alchemist, eyes wide.

"Ed..." Havoc shouted cautiously over the blaring sound, "Do we need to call somebody?"

Ed ignored this and replied with a huge whoop. Just as the doors were about to open, Ed slammed his hip against Fuery before quickly running over to the radio and shutting it off. He looked up in time to see the lightweight Fuery go careening down the hallway from Ed's hip-bump only to fall into the waiting arms of a giant sheep.

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Fuery screamed.

Havoc too, pointed and shrieked an octave higher than his normal voice. "WTF?! IT'S A GIGANTIC SHEEP! KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Ed was rolling on the ground again with tears of laughter at the corner of his eyes.

BANG

BANG

BANG

...

...

...

and then everything was silent. Riza kept her smoking gun barrel pointed at the sheep and the costume head fell off revealing Roy.

Riza's mouth dropped open in complete surprise. "S-SIR!?"

Roy stood quivering, smiling, arms spread apart avoiding the bullet holes in the wall. "Hello Hawkeye..."

Later on, Edward was asked by the Fuhrer to deliver Roy's paperwork to the hospital were Roy was recovering from traumatization...

and Riza went out to buy some more bullets.

* * *

**Never mess with Riza, she'll shoot you.**

**Stick around for the next chapter. Riza and Havoc decide to have their own fun...**


	4. Good Morning Sunshine

* * *

How To Annoy...ect.

Chapter Three and a Half: "Good Morning"

-Evee-

Roy Mustang flinched as the doors slid open on yet another floor. For some reason, it was Central that had so many odd stops via elevator and it was him that had one of the highest offices. Ed, in a sudden spur of inspiration, decided to continue his antics despite the fact that Riza's trigger finger had twitched often on sight of him. Another thing. Central had a set of stairs right next to the elevator...

This morning, after Riza, Havoc, Fuery, Hughes and the rest of Roy's subordinates grouped into the elevator by chance and Ed had suddenly brightened up and hurried out the elevator doors just as the were about to snap shut. The group had looked rather questioningly at each other but quickly dismissed it...until the doors slid open again on

Second floor

"Oh! Hey everyone! I didn't know you were all here today!" Ed waved as he stood in front of the elevator doors, not moving. "Well, have a good day!" the boy then waved cheerily as the doors obstructed the small teen from view. Roy glimpsed sight of the boy turning and running as quickly as he could up the adjacent stairway. Everything was silent in the elevator car until once again...the doors opened. Roy glanced fearfully at Riza and took a note that she had frowned.

Third Floor

"Oh! Hey everyone! Hi, Hughes! How's your daughter? Oh well, bye now!" Ed waved once again as the elevator moved on.

Fourth Floor

"How are you today Havoc? no luck with women as usual I guess?"

This continued on every floor and the crew were exhausted by the eleventh 'ding'.

"Morning!" Ed struggled to keep his breathing under way. "H-how you doing Fuery?"

It was then that Riza exploded.

...

...

...

...

...

"Hey FullMetal?"

"...?"

"The Fuhrer told me to deliver this paperwork."

Riza went out to buy more bullets...and dog food.

* * *

**Sorry guys. A short one today, it was written in like 5 minutes.**

**I'm going camping (again uggggh) until next Tuesday, the 26th so I wanted to write another quick chapter for you all before I go.**

**Thanks to E.Mahiru for the great idea. **

**Anyone else, feel free to put in suggestions for future chapters. **

**Love, Evee**


	5. Girl Scout Cookies

**Sorry for taking so long guys, between school, CrossCountry, and my othr work, it's pretty hectic. thanks for being so patient with me!**

* * *

HTAYC

Chapter Four

"Girl Scout Cookies"

"Morning FullMetal."

"Hey Mustang."

Roy's hand twitched as if to give Ed a pat but thought better of it. It had been at least a week since the pair's stunt on their co-workers and Riza had her gun loaded constantly. Apparently, she had thought keeping a bullet-check on the two would put a halt to the pranks and it had worked...for a while.

While the elevator pranks had gone to a halt, Ed's addiction to these pranks grew. Roy had noticed the teen breaking out into random fits of laughter causing Havoc and Breda to raise their eyebrows and smirk. Hawkeye, however brilliant she was, hadn't realized the laughter for what it was. Yes. It was indeed, the I-have-an-evil-plan-and-it-will-be-going-into-play-soon laughter, something Roy knew all too well...

"Hawkeye..." Ed turned as the Lieutenant made her way towards the pair.

Roy noticed the immediate change in Edward's behavior and stood on guard. It sounded like Edward was finally putting his plan into action.

"Hawkeye...Mustang won't buy my cookies..."

Roy spun around to stare at the boy and flinched as he saw Hawkeye give him a hard stare.

"Fullmetal?!" Roy hissed quietly.

The teen just hung his head and looked up at him with big eyes. "Daaadddy?" Hawkeye was now staring at Roy fiercely and Roy was at a loss. "Why won't you buy my cookies daddy?" Edward continued.

"Fullmetal, what is wrong with you?" Roy demanded grabbing the boy's shoulder. He was appalled when Edward began to sob.

"I don't knoooow, Al and I used to sell cookies when we were liiitle, and...and mom and dad used to but them!" Ed knelt on the floor and hunched over before looking up at Roy. Then Ed, still on his knees took Roy about the waist and pressed hi face into Roy's stomach. "DADDDDYY!"

"OKOKOK!! Give me the damn order form already!!" Roy practically shrieked. However, the boy clung to Roy like a leech and sniveled into his uniform, snuggling his head against Roy's belly.

"Daaadddy?" Ed looked up at Roy again and made the most sickeningly sweet face Roy had ever seen.

"AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

"So..." Havoc commented to Al as they watched Roy struggle and yelp, "Your brother's finally lost it huh?"

* * *

**Hi all, sorry for the lame chapter, hoped it was decent though!**

**REQUESTS ARE APPRECIATED!**


	6. UMT

* * *

**This weekmonthyearlifetime's chapter is brought to you by Synne's Cat. Thanks a bunch (meow)**

**and thanks for being so amazingly patient with me everyone. I had some cleaning up to do in other dimension.**

HTAYC

Chapter Five

"U.M.T. not U.F.O"

* * *

"I must find a more suitable host body..."

Roy's eyes widened and he glanced sideways at Edward. He decided not to say a word and continued to fake-work on his files. What did Ed think he was, and alien? As he moved his pen aimlessly around without actually putting the pen nib on paper, Ed repeated his line.

"I must find a more suitable host body. This one is simply too inadequate."

Roy smirked and mumbled, "Or maybe that one is simply too small..."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE'D BE RUN OVER BY MINUSCULE FLYING CREATURES?!?" Ed screamed.

Anticipating this reaction, Roy grinned as he continued to write without using any ink in his pen. Flipping over a paper to look busy, Roy silently diagnosed Edward with multiple personality disorder.

"Need to go to the bathroom?" came a small chuckle.

Roy raised another eyebrow. "What?"

"Nothing, nothing..." Ed smirked and he stood to leave the office.

"What are you up to Haganeno?" Roy frowned suspiciously as Ed giggled and began to edge out the door. "I don't want Hawkeye to have to buy more bullets for her gun..."

"I know." Ed snorted and he closed the door with a click.

* * *

_A week later..._

"It's everywhere...EVERYWHERE!!!" Fuery rocked back and forth in Roy's office. The Colonel peered over his desk to frown at his subordinate who was on the floor of his office.

"What is the _matter _with you?! Get a hold of yourself soldier!" Roy snapped irritably. Fuery glanced fearfully over at Roy. "What is it now?" Roy sighed.

"...sir..."

"yes?"

"There's...been...this empty toilet bowl that has been cropping up every. Every day it's somewhere else..."

"...a toilet bowl?"

"sir. They call it the U.M.T...the Unidentified Migrating Toilet, even though it technically is already identified..."

Roy stood up and hauled Fuery up by an arm. "How long has this been going on?"

"A week sir."

"Where is it today?"

"In the hallway, around the corner." Fuery said shaking.

Roy let go of Fuery's arm and let the young man collapse onto the floor and resume rocking in a fetal position. The Colonel immediately opened the door and headed down the hallway. When he turned the corner, he stopped short and nearly burst out laughing if it weren't for the threat of his life.

Riza Hawkeye sat glaring daggers as she held her gun cocked at a pure white toilet.

"Lietenant, what are you doing?" Roy asked her, trying to contain his giggles.

"There is a threat sir, please stay back."

"What threat?" Roy smirked.

"Sir." Riza frowned. "This toilet bowl has been disappearing and reappearing about this time every day and it always shows up in a different place. I have reason to believe that it may be a spying device or some sort of weapon."

That was when Roy remembered Ed's line about a week ago. 'Need to go to the bathroom?' Then Roy burst out laughing when all of a sudden, the toilet bowl seized up and began to twist. Riza tightened her grip on her gun and fired. There were a few bullets that bounced off the porcelain bowl and chipped it but it didn't halt the thing's movements. Roy realized that Edward was probably on the other side of the wall where the Central Headquarters men's bathroom is located and was merely transmuting some material and he laughed even harder. That is...until the bowl's mouth opened and clamped down lightly on Roy's left leg.

"WHA-" Roy's laughter halted and was replaced with shock.

The bowl began to pulse and to Roy's horror, the bowl began to suck him in.

"Ah. ah. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Roy let out a very un-Colonel type of scream and fumbled for his flame gloves on one leg while his other leg began to slowly be pulled into the bowl. It was a mistake...the scream anyway. Hawkeye couldn't fire due to the fact that she might hit Roy, but all of Roy's subordinates including Hughes, Breda, Falman, Armstrong, Havoc, and yes, Fuery came out when they heard the scream just in time to hear their boss scream again.

* * *

_Yet another week later..._

"Hey sir, " Havoc grinned as he filed papers in Roy's office, "Do you know? Today is the anniversary of you being nearly eaten by a toilet bowl."

Roy remained silent but blushed in humiliation.

'I'll kill you Hagane no...'

* * *

**O.o Uh yeah. I used Synne's Cat's idea of a mysterious migrating toilet but then I went insane with this. I thought it was funny if Roy got nearly eaten by a toilet bowl...**

**Next chapter will be up soon as I get some more great ideas like this one...**

**Review guys! Try to help me break 100 reviews! (That's my goal)**


	7. Failing Anyway

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**Hello everybody. I have an important announcement! I have reached my first 100 reviews!! I can't express how happy and thankful I am to all my faithful reviewers. Keep doing what you do! **

**As a reward, I'm dedicating this chapter to all my reviewers. Thanks so much! (Now my goal is 200...O_O;)**

**Side Note: **

**1) I added in Naruto and Deathnote hints if anyone catches them. **

**2) Yes, I'm picking on Bradley this time... (my friend and I call him Machete Dude)**

**3) I also added in a reference to Vic Mignogna (Ed's English Voice Actor) and Travis Willingham's (Roy's English Voice Actor) fan clubs.**

**4) I also referenced to Batman and Lassie...i think...**

**and soooo....**

**Dedicated to:**

Jenelric

Bkcbookworm

InfinityOnTheRun

AnimeFallingStar

Professor Know-it-all

dontwaitupxx

Evangeline Jr.

Rika24

Arden Anam

lrr

heartkeeper27

Raimundoroks

Cold-Foxx

galliechan

Tia Ordona 23

Bar-Ohki

Chibi-zizi-chan

kikyo-killer2.0

foreverforgotten5

Taranova

SharpShooterRizaHawkeye

A Bibliophile

XX-XDKuroNeko-ChanXD-XX

bookwormally

Elmbud

Flitter~Flutter

Fiona White

Synneofthesun

Suzuku90

Sonar

merlyn1382

Sora Livana

FreeCream

Skitty Kat Girl

bookworm412

TheMarySueMurderer

Misty-Nala

yrukalakos

Orange Singer

Half Human Homunculi

YukinoKara

KatrinaEagle

Faydora

animelover6326

Ria442

**and**

sunnydsgirl

**HTAYC**

**Chapter six**

**"Failing Anyway"**

* * *

"Damn, I forgot." Ed swore. He swore loudly and Roy couldn't blame him.

Today, the two State Alchemists had made it through the day without any incidents. Incidents meaning pranks and mischief. Roy figured it wasn't going to be easy to get his revenge on Edward, so he was biding his time and trying to give the teen the impression that he wasn't planning anything. However, in this neutral time, Roy found himself totally and utterly bored.

Normally, he would leave it up to Ed the child-prodigy's mind to think of something to bother the other military soldiers with, however, Ed was in trouble. Not the normal trouble that he got himself into. No, this time, Ed was cursing the fact that he had not studied for the SAT tests, SAT standing for State-military Amestrian Testing. Roy rather thought it stood for State Alchemist Torturing. The whole idea was to start with easy questions and progress them onto harder questions which involved a combination of math, problem solving, history of Amestria, and many other categories that all military soldiers learned in grade-school. Through the testing, the military could find out at what level of thinking their soldiers were at and the lowest 10 percent were fired from the military due to budget cuts, so normally, the soldiers studied seriously, for some of them, the first time in their lives. This had completely been forgotten in Edward's mind and even with his genius-attributes, he couldn't possibly pass the test with flying colors if he hadn't studied. In fact, neither had Roy. They were going to fail the exam for the exam was to take place in a half hour. Ed knew this and so did Roy.

As the two sat in Roy's office contemplating their fate, Ed began to grin. With that, Roy put all his faith into the teen, knowing that in a matter of minutes, a new plot would be written, and he eagerly anticipated it...unless it had to do with toilets.

* * *

"You may now start the exam, flip your papers over and begin. Good luck."

With this statement and a flourish of his sword, Fuhrer Bradley announced the beginning of the testing session. Roy immediately followed Edward into the testing area and claimed the seat beside the younger alchemist. Sure, that had earned a few whispers and knowing smirks from Hawkeye, Breda, and Havoc, but Roy wanted to be close when Ed's I'm-going-to-fail-anyway-so-why-not-have-fun-failing plan was to happen. However, since the test started, Edward had been the model test-taker. He was quiet and scribbling away, a hand on his chin, looking for all the world like the studious type.

Roy, checking to make sure Bradley wasn't looking, glanced sideways at Ed's paper and saw the boy's pencil poised in the space below the question, "If a 5 pound woodchuck chucks 20 pieces of wood in 10 minutes, how much wood would a 10 pound woodchuck chuck in 10 minutes if that woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Roy watched as Ed stared at the question in confusion before sighing. Roy could tell that Ed had no idea how to solve the question and he was about to whisper the answer to him before Ed started writing madly. As Ed finished this and moved on to the next question, Roy read over the teen's shoulder. The paper read:

"If a woodchuck could chuck wood, and I'm very sure it would chuck wood, unless it's a non-woodchucking woodchuck that doesn't chuck wood at all, in other words, being a woodchuck that isn't a woodchuck so it would wouldn't be the woodchuck it would be, because it wouldn't chuck wood and would rather chuck stones at the other woodchucks instead, this would also point out that the question of how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood is very controversial seeing as a woodchuck wouldn't be a woodchuck if it couldn't chuck wood but in the case that it will chuck wood, it would only chuck one piece because after that piece of wood the woodchuck chucks hits me in the head, the woodchuck wouldn't chuck wood any longer because it would be a woodchuck stew..."

Roy silently chuckled though he felt slightly disappointed. He was hoping for something more dramatic than just messing with the test questions. Roy was about to resign to actually giving a shot at the exam when he noticed Ed moaning heavily. Ed coughed loudly and just as the entire room looked up, including Bradley, Edward ripped off the few sheets of paper he hadn't written on from the staple that held the packet together and stuffed the mass into his mouth. The entire room watched in astonishment as Edward proceeded to eat the rest of the exam papers.

By the time Ed had swallowed the papers, the entire room was in shock. Except for Roy, he was failing to suppress his laughter.

Ed, with a calm look in his eye, raised his hand. "Hey, excuse me, I need another test packet..." Bradley raised an eyebrow but consented quietly and walked away.

Roy smiled. Ed had given him a good idea. As soon as Bradley's back was turned, he ripped his own exam into many pieces, stood, and tossed the pieces in the air shouting, "MERRY CHRISTMAAAS!" He sat down as fast as humanly possible as Bradley whipped around and scowled.

"Copycat..." Ed mumbled. Roy pleaded a second copy of the test from the Fuhrer through snickers.

Bradley handed another packet to Roy and crossed his arms threateningly. "I don't want to hear about any more lost exams. You must display the responsibility to keep your materials in check!" Roy nodded earnestly, all the while still grinning. Ed couldn't help but smirk a little and the Fuhrer rounded on him. "That applies to you as well Major Elric. You won't lose your exam again will you?" Bradley leaned in closer, glaring, hands still crossed in a silent threat.

Ed's hand shot up to his forehead in a salute. "No Sir! I mean Yes Sir, Three Bags Full Sir! The Fuhrer nodded in satisfaction and turned his back to stroll back down to the bottom of the exam hall to sit in his desk. As he turned Ed put a foot on his desk, lifting himself up slightly and pointed with a finger into the ceiling mouthing the words "BELIEVE IT!" As soon as Bradley turned around though, Ed was back in his seat, a straight-faced expression and a pencil on his paper. By now, Havoc and Breda were snickering madly and even Hawkeye's mouth twitched betraying the small hint of a smile. Ed wasn't finished yet though. Roy heard a small rustling sound, and blinked in surprise as Ed pulled out a seven pound bag of potato chips and opened them quietly. Ed silently and slowly pulled a single chip from the bag, eyes on the Fuhrer, who was correcting the exams of those who were finished, and began to eat his chip.

"OHM NOM NOM!!!"

Roy nearly burst out laughing as Ed ate the chip with a over-dramatic ferocity. Grabbing another chip from the bag, Ed repeated the process, thrashing his head violently and letting spit and chips scraps fly everywhere, especially on the head of poor Fuery in the row in front of him. Roy reckoned that ninety-percent of the chip was falling on the ground and the other ten-percent Ed actually swallowed. The entire room was staring at Ed in alarm. Edward, ignoring everyone in the room, continued to eat the chips singly with growing speed and recklessness. He paused at one point and shouted, "Hahaha, I am ridding the humanity of the scum of this world!" and then continued on again, scribbling names onto the exam and eating chips like a madman. Roy had to join the fun, so to take the whole scene up another level, Roy reached into the abundance of chips, grabbed a massive handful, and shoved the entire mess into his mouth and against his face, creating a larger rain of chip pieces on Fuery's head. Bradley, completely shocked, watched in utter helplessness as the two State Alchemists shoved handful after handful of chips against their faces, Ed still writing various names on the exam paper. Finally, when the entire floor was pretty much littered with a coating of chip, Roy stood up and shouted at the top of his lungs pointing to an invisible symbol in the sky, "THE MINISKIRT ARMY INSIGNIA! DUTY CALLS! TO THE SKIRT-MOBILE!" Ed, through a mouthful of chewed-up chips yelled muffled "AH! YOUNG TIMMY HASH FALLEN DOWN A WELL! RISHEMBOOL RANGERS TO THE RESHCUE! LASS- I MEAN DEN-BOY! LET'S GO SHAVE HIM!"

and with that, both alchemists rushed out leaving the entire room in stunned silence.

Whoever said the military was no fun?

* * *

**Haha wow. O_O Those darn mock-SAT tests that they make us do in school. So mundane. Yes, I know, let's go shave Timmy bald.**

**Thanks again, everyone, for supporting this fic. I apologize for slow updating but I have to wait until I get new fresh ideas that are good. requests help a ton (hint hint...cough cough)**

**Next time: KFC and Ice Cream Trucks ****(Request courtesy of KatrinaEagle and dontwaitupxx) and maybe some more depending on reviewer requests....**


	8. In which the story makes no sense

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**Hey everyone, due to undying support, here's yet another chapter of craziness. **

**OMIGAWD!!! FINALLY UPDATED!!!! GAAASP!**

**Enjoy the update! Courtesy of KatrinaEagle, dontwaitupxx, ****Silhouette The SANVAE, **and theretard5892. Thanks guys!

HTAYC

"In which the story makes no sense"

-She-wolf vixen aka EveeElric-

Ed was not a stalker.

That was Colonel's Mustang's job as far as he was concerned. It wasn't as if it hadn't crossed his mind and Ed was as creeped out by the actual deed as he was with being stalked. Experience with pedophiles had done him good justice.

No, Ed was not a stalker.

So it came to of some concern when Roy noticed that Ed was portraying stalker-like tendencies. It wasn't as if he were actually stalking anyone in particular, it was more of Ed walking around office repeating the word "stalk" over and over. As if poor Fuery hadn't been traumatized enough what with being cuddled by a giant sheep, attacked by toilets, and nearly drowning in a sea of chip debris...

"Fullmetal...I'd like to talk to you," Mustang demanded as soon as the disturbed adolescent entered his office.

Ed gave his a scrupulous look before plopping down on the couch located nearby. "What's up?"

Mustang sighed. "Frankly, your pranks are amazing...no denying that, I'm just wondering...have you picked up stalking as your recent addition of jokes?"

Ed snickered and clasped his hands together in unbridled glee. "Yeah! And it's working like a charm. Man, you should have seen Breda the other day. He was so busy trying to avoid me, he hardly noticed Black Hayate positioned conveniently under his desk!"

"That's pretty harsh. I mean, everyone knows that Breda is deathly scared of dogs," Roy mumured through concealed joy.

Ed laughed some more.

"Though, to be honest Fullmetal, the stalking thing might be taking it a bit far..." Roy continued. Ed made a face at him in reply and Mustang sighed. "You're...not gonna listen to me are you?"

Ed stood and walked over to the door, halfway out, he paused turned, and said, "When have I ever?"

It was then that Roy noticed a note Ed had left on his desk but he hadn't noticed it before. It read:

_2:30 later today. Front of headquarters. _

_Beware of white vans. Left pillar. _

_You'll know what to do._

Roy smirked.

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Diligently at 2:30, Roy placed himself strategically away from directly in front of headquarters, close enough to catch the chaos which would be sure to ensue, but far away enough to escape the wrath of Ed's mind...and close to the left pillar. As Roy waited on the steps, blinking stupidly in the blinding sun, his ears caught a jingle he hadn't heard for nearly 20 years.

Without fail, Ed had done it again. A white ice cream truck around the corner, playing the ice cream jingle as loud as he could. Ed must have been thinking this one through fully because soldiers began to mingle around the front of headquarters at break for some fresh air. The truck came of some remarkable surprise and soldiers were seen pointing excitedly towards it like when they were 3.

Eventually, one soldier gave up all manly pride and left to buy some ice cream. He would soon regret that decision.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Roy perked up in time to see the soldier being dragged into the truck by a suspicious-looking metal hand, failing and yelling. Smoothing his bangs up, Roy stood to watch.

Alarmed and unarmed, the soldiers began to shift uncomfortably and edge towards the front doors. Quickly, Roy turned and locked them while no one was looking and hid behind the left pillar as instructed by Ed. His foot hit a bag full of...something?

The ice cream truck began to head straight for Fuery and the young man began to run. "Help? Colonel. Colonel? COLONEL MUSTAAAAAANG?!?! HELLLLLLLLLLLP!?!?"

Of course, Roy was too busy giggling madly behind the pillar to care about his subordinate's distress.

The white truck began to pick up speed and was careening towards the unlucky soldiers who were in its way. The soldiers began to run around, screaming like little girls.

Suddenly, a teen-aged voice over a speaker could be heard from the truck trying and failing at mastering a gruff voice.

"ATTENTION. ATTENTION ALL MILITARY PERSONNEL. THIS IS AN ABDUCTION. I REPEAT. AN ABDUCTION. ALL THOSE WHO WISH NOT TO BE TARGETED, PLEASE STAND ABSOLUTELY STILL."

On cue, every soldier froze until another two screaming subordinates of Roy, Falman and Havoc, were dragged crying into the still moving van. They scattered again. A few fell over. A few tried to hide. A few more were dragged into the back of the van.

Roy decided it was time to play his part and opened the bag. Inside were several buckets labeled "KFC". Roy wasn't sure what it stood for, but there was a multitude of fried chicken nuggets inside. Atop the greasy mess was another note.

_Throw and repeat the below sentence._

Roy read the sentence and laughed quietly. Then, he grabbed a mushy handful of nuggets, threw them upon the unsuspecting soldiers, and yelled. "ATTACK OF THE CHICKEN NUGGETS FROM HELL!"

Already in a state of panic, the whole area turned into a mosh pit of extreme paranoia.

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Intermission: The author wants to interject that at this point in time, the story has no real plot line, full of insane uselessness, and she has just butchered any pride Arakawa's characters may have. But then again, a bunch of military soldiers running around screaming as a ice cream truck chases them and Roy Mustang throws chicken on their heads? We all need something like that right?

Intermission over...

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Through all this craziness, Alphonse Elric stopped by to check on his brother. To his sheer horror, he found chicken-covered military men running around in panic.

By now, the ice cream truck was blaring the words: "STALK STALK STALK STALK STALK!" in a strangely familiar voice. When Alphonse realized it was his brother's voice, he slapped his non-existent forehead, muttered a non-existent noise of pain, and proceeded into the destruction.

Ed, in his glory, drove the truck around, aiming at military people who may or may not in the past had called him "short". Laughing manically, he spied out of the corner of his eye, Roy raining nuggets down on the helpless men. Ed gave his a thumbs up and the Colonel returned the gesture. Who knew emotionally torturing his fellow soldiers would create a bond between him and Colonel bastard?

"STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!"

Alphonse's voice shrieked out in midair and cracked a few times. Everything halted. Soldiers in mid-flee. Roy in mid-throw. Ed crashed the truck into the side wall of the stairs and tumbled out, strangely unharmed.

There was silence for a moment before Alphonse growled quietly and very uncharacteristically. "Look at you all. A bunch of pansies." Al whipped around at Roy. "And Colonel! I would expect better out of you! Ed is your co-worker, not your playmate!" Finally, whirling his armor around to face Ed, he hissed." AND YOU! WHAT IN TRANSMUTATION'S SAKE ARE YOU DOING?!?"

"Stalking." Ed replied.

A random chicken nugget flew into the air and spiked itself on Alphonse's helmet.

Second later, Al died. It could have been from the amount of stupidity in the air, or Ed's stalker-like tendencies forced Alphonse to lose his mind and die of a non-existent heart attack. But no... the massive amount of grease from the nugget cleaned off the blood seal and as mentioned before, seconds later, Al died.

But Ed wasn't sad. He had nuggets and ice cream, and that was enough for him.

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**Next up**:

**In which Homunculi Get Involved**

A little preview:

"So...you're telling me Fullmetal Chibi is that Colonel Mustang..."

"Yep."

"And that Colonel Mustang is Fullmetal Chibi..."

"Yep."

"...This isn't good..."

**Courtesy of _Aniki the Crim_saying "you should figure out a way to prank the Homunculi" and **

**_Silhouette The SANVAE_ saying "Have the both of them dress up as each other and attempt to pass off as the other person for a whole day"**

Till Next Time!

~Evee~


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